The One Where I Try To Become A Spider

Recently the Husband and I were discussing his latest read, which just happens to involve a story line where giant insects have somehow infiltrated the human gene pool (but not, Husband assures me, through any strange human on insect love tomfoolery).

Anyhow, being far too curious for my own good, I asked him to explain these strange new human/insect beings to me.

And boy, was that a long conversation. Several of our little insect friends are represented: ants, praying mantis, beetles, dragonflies, butterflies, and spiders, among others. I think. It's really difficult to keep up with the entire creation story of human insect people and all their lineage and whatnot. Each have their own attributes, skills, and  physical features.

Of course, after listening to the complete history of the insect people, I couldn't help but ask which insect I would be from the book.

Husband thought a long, long while, even though (having never read the books) the choice was quite obvious to me.

The spiders are the crafty, intelligent beings in this society. How could he choose anything else? I'm crafty! I'm intelligent! 

After a painfully long pause, he grinned at me, proud of his well-thought answer...

Husband: The butterfly. Definitely.

Me: .... (insert glare of doom here)

Husband: What?? They're solitary creatures that like to live outside of reality. Do their own thing.

Me: You're joking, right? Like, really. That's a joke.

Husband: No, you're definitely a butterfly!

Me: I am not a damn butterfly! How could you even say that?? Oh my God, do you even know me??

Husband: Ooookay, so what do you think you are?

Me: Uh, spider. Duh.

Husband: (insanely disrespectful laughter)

Me: OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW RUDE YOU ARE!

Husband: Wait. Are you actually upset about this?

Me: Yes! You just called me a fluttering, sparkly, fragile butterfly, of all things! Butterflies are all goofy and colorful and ... annoying.

Husband: Yeah, have you seen yourself when you get dressed up to go out?

Me: (super glare) I. Am. A. Spider.

Husband: The spiders are the deceitful, manipulative, politicians in the story.

Me: I'm deceitful!*

Husband: You can't even lie with a straight face. Ever. You don't have a mean bone in your body.

Shows how much HE knows about butterflies...

Me: Maybe I'm just so ninja manipulative that you *think* I can't lie! Maybe I'm just a really bad truth-teller, so every time you think I'm being a bad liar, that's when I'm actually telling the truth! Ever think of that, genius?

I'd like to tell you this was the end of the conversation, but it went on. And on. (Much like this post.)

*Okay, yeah. I know. I was angrily trying to convince my husband that I am a deceitful, manipulative, vengeful, backstabbing fictional spider-human character. I don't even know, guys. This is how I roll.