Each day I gain new awareness in how incredibly flip-floppy I can be. It's a little disconcerting, but I suppose it's also good to be aware, as that is the only way I can expect to work towards change.
Sunday I was really pumped about the coming school year, especially after listening to my pastor talk about how he felt, and probably was, completely under-qualified to become the pastor of our church over a decade ago. He spoke about how on his own, he wasn't the right man for the job, but through God, he was able to achieve many amazing goals.
So I'm thinking, yep ... this sounds good. On my own, I really have to wonder why on earth the school board asked me to be the head of our school. I don't have enough formal education, I'm not a good public speaker, and most of the time I feel like every decision I make is a bad one.
Today has been a doubt-yourself-day. I've been working through in service information and reorganizing my school board notes, which include financial information and last years documents. I really feel the need to be well organized and I know that I am more level headed when I feel secure that I have my act together. But then I talk to my director, and she tells me that one of our new facilitators is worried because she hasn't had the opportunity to set up her classroom yet.
And immediately, I'm off on a race to figure out how quickly I can beat myself up. Am I not communicating enough to the new staff? Should I call them once a week? Did I explain the room set-up process well? What else can I do to make our new staff feel comfortable? Transistioning from public school to a private school is a fairly big process, and I want everyone that makes that change to feel steady, not as if they are floating in an endless sea of indecision.
Of course, I know anyone making a change in their career like that is going to worry about how things are done. And being that we're still in the summer, there is no reason for anyone to be flipping out and wondering how they will get everything done. Truthfully, setting up a room takes little time at all. And I know I have told everyone that I do not have to be at the school for them to be at the school, so my hours have little to do with the staff's decision on when they finish working on their classrooms. When I was teaching, I spent many nights at the school after 9pm, working in silence and enjoying the solitude.
And I know that I've been placed in my position for a reason. God wouldn't give me this intense passion for early childhood education without giving me a way to use it. I just wish I was better able to tell myself to stop worrying, because the degree to which I stress myself out is not at all going to effect the outcome of my job performance -- at least, not in a positive way.
So I'm still working on that. And for now, I'm going to return to my paperwork and my policies and procedures, and figure out what new things I can implement to completely 'wig out' my teachers.
Oh, and when I'm done with that -- Ann Taylor and I have decided that I need a new wardrobe for the fall. After all, I need to at least look the part, even if I don't always feel it.