project.chameleon

It's been a long time since I've been here. And I mean that in so many ways.

I should write here more often. I remember it having a healing effect. And I need that right now, more than ever.

I'm having to deal with a lot right now, and it seems like it's a little more than I've ever faced before -- and sometimes a little more than I am capable of handling on my own. The problem is, I hate talking about it because I end up feeling like this whining loser. I want to have good, happy things to talk about. I mean, who wants to listen to someone complain all the time?

Suffice it to say that I know eventually I'll get to the other end of this tunnel. There are plenty of women out there that have to go through far more than I am juggling -- and they make it, so can I. I've even started the process, talking to my sister and my best friend -- letting them know what is going on in my life. That was incredibly difficult to do, as I can be pretty private about my life. My thoughts and feelings are easy enough to ramble about here, but put me in front of people that actually care about me, and I'm suddenly thinking I should just keep it all to myself. Even here, I'm verbose about my thoughts, but never about actual issues I'm facing.

Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

I guess what is really scary to me, is that you spill your guts to someone -- and they treat you differently afterwards. I mean -- some things are so bad that you just know if other people knew, they would never look at you the same. People can get themselves into some pretty horrible situations, and it can be difficult to grope your way back out. And I think a lot of people might not understand that, unless they've been in the same situation themselves.

And there's nothing worse than going to someone for support, and having them slam the door in your face.

Especially when you didn't even want to talk about it in the first place.

I have to wonder how someone so supposedly strong, so intelligent ... can get themselves into a desperate situation. When do you go from being strong to being beaten and humiliated ... and unable to make any decisions on your own anymore? How can a perfectly brilliant star die so quickly? Why do some of us let ourselves become lost, instead of fighting for what we know is right?

It just doesn't make sense to me -- and normally I am so intuitive -- I can analyze my way through just about anything.

Unless it involves myself.

And that's really sad.