project.chameleon

Have you ever known somebody that believed that there is no real emotion -- no real love or hate -- in the world? Are you one of those people? You know the type. You believe in neural synapses and electrical sparks and chemicals and blah blah blah ... nothing is emotional. It's all some scientific wiring in our brain. If that's true, whoever wired my brain did a really shitty job.

I am in a constant state of flux. I never know if I am right or wrong. If I want what I want or I just think that I want something because of my current mood. And maybe tomorrow, next week, or next month I will change my mind. Maybe I don't have a mind to change. Maybe I am a husk of a person just sucking life off of those around me -- and if they all disappeared, so would I. Maybe this is just yet another hormonal roller coaster brought to you courtesy of the S.S Kelly. I don't really know anymore.

What I do know is that everytime I sit back and rest and think, "OKAY. I am fine now. I can relax. Life is good.", the bottom falls out and I find myself in Wonderland again. And I have to wonder if everyone goes through this. Does everyone think so damn much? I know so many people that seem to be perfectly settled. Perfectly normal.

Do they will away the demons, too?

For some reason, the line "You're so very special..." comes to mind.

I am really not a strong person. I am confused about this crazy little think we call life. I feel like I am running around in circles and not really getting anywhere. I'm so caught up in getting THERE, I keep forgetting to enjoy HERE. And I'm not so certain I know what "here" is. So I suppose it's time to stop bitching and figure some things out. I know I have it better than a lot of people. I think in order to save what's left of my sanity I'm going to have to simplify.

Let go. Why is that phrase so difficult? I need to stop thinking of it as admission of failure and start thinking of it as cleaning up. Brushing away the cobwebs to make room for some sunlight.

I think that is a very good idea, indeed.