It is extremely late, and I should be asleep. But since I'm not, I have a few things to say. Heh. Imagine that.

This afternoon, my sister told me that she sometimes tells me what she *thinks* I want to hear, rather than what she is really thinking. This came out after I asked her a simple question, she answered one way -- and I questioned her further and she said she had only said that because she thought it was the "right" answer, so then she tried to change her answer, which made me completely doubt which answer was real to begin with!

This really upset me. I'm sure it shouldn't have. But still, the fact remains that it did. Shan says that many times when I ask something, I have a pre-ordained answer, and get upset if I don't hear it. I've never seen that in myself. But my mother agreed. And when R returned home, he agreed as well. Bill, being slightly wise, refrained from comment.

I've never seen myself as requiring a certain type of answer from anyone. In fact, I always have appreciated when people are open and give their true opinions. It seems to me that the only way we learn more about each other and the world we are in, is when we can be that open with one another. But here, for I don't even know how long, I've been surrounded by people that feed me the lines they think are best -- the answers I supposedly am looking for. And if I've never noticed this before, could it be that they are right?? That thought alone is most disturbing. True, if I get an answer I don't agree with, I will argue my point ... but it's not because I am upset that the person has a differing opinion ... I just want my opinion understood. And I guess, too often, I want my opinion to be their opinion -- or want the other person to agree that my opinion has validity. Isn't that lovely? As if my opinion is best. Urgh! I don't even think it is that, because I never .. er, uhm, rarely... well, sometimes, don't tell people they are wrong. I mean, not often. I really am open to many things ... I just happen to be very strong-willed. What the hell is wrong with that??

But I have never meant to make anyone feel as if they have to hide their feelings from me... am I really that argumentative, that my closest family members feel the need to appease me? I suppose that is something I need to work on. I honestly never realized that I made people uncomfortable.

I also got called manipulative tonight. I guess that goes hand in hand with the other, though. I don't know if it was "Beat up on Kelly" night, or what. But I suppose it's good for us to hear this sort of thing, from time to time. To keep us in line ... or something.

Well, I'm just rambling at this point. I am damn tired, and very drained from studying and trying to figure out how I've made it through nearly 26 years without realizing my effect on the people around me. Time to move on, for now.

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