I'm in the midst of one of those lovely Kellyesque mind-scrambling debates within my own head. This is becoming seriously annoying, as I am less and less able to trust my own opinion on anything. Mostly on anything concerning myself. For instance, I thought that I was very logical. I thought that I was not creative due to my overwhelming logic. However, sometimes I think that I am not at all logical (which ruins the reasoning on my absence of creativity). I am actually anti-logic. Everything that logic is, I am not. I am not even anything that logic might be. I don't know what the hell I am. To point out how completely I do not understand myself tonight, I am going to quote a passage from a lovely little guy named R.D Laing. He wrote "Knots", among other things. Now, Knots has nothing to do with anything I am talking about, but what the hell does? And, in all actuality, since it has NOTHING in common, that means it really has something in common, doesn't it?
In fact!, this solves a great problem in the world. People often say they cannot reach out to their fellow humans due to the fact that they have nothing in common. However, they too have something in common by having nothing in common. That alone gives them one common factor to cling to. Joy. All you people that have been avoiding people on that premise, it's time to find something new.
Anyway, he (Laing) says:
"If I don't know I don't know, I think I know. If I don't know I know, I think I don't know."
And now that I have made the world a better place, I think I'll get on with it. Whatever IT is. OH yes. I remember. I can't trust my own judgment. And, believe it or not, I do have a story to share with you. (This however, makes me wonder who the "you" is. Is it this journal? Some person I know will read this? The general public? I am going to assume "you" is the journal, since my journals have always been like great friends, and it's better to say I write in a journal than admit I talk to myself, right? Right.) So, as I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself... the story, the example.
When I first decided to go back to college (A part of my brain screams out, "NO, not when you first decided -- but when you FINALLY got over your fear of that damn test.") ... hm. Okay, when I went back to college I had to take an entrance exam. This being Texas, it is a lovely and very special "for Texas people only" test. It took me a year to work up the courage to take the test. It's your typical exam, with reading, writing, and math. I was certain I would pass reading and writing -- I never thought I would do well, I just figured I would pass. The math part had me entirely freaked out. Obviously, or I wouldn't have taken a year to work up the nerve to take it. I mean, at worst -- I would have failed, and had to retake it. Not exactly lethal stuff.
So, anyway. I know this is boring, but I am in a serious mood. Deal.
When I took the test, I had to wait that terribly long amount of time that all people must wait for any important test result. I nearly died (Yeah, so I am overly dramatic, too) . But then my results came back. I passed everything. Not only did I pass everything, but I got the maximum score possible on my essay, and very close to the maximum in reading. I did well on math, even for my standards.
At first, I was thrilled! I'm really very easy to amuse, and I found my test scores delightful. This was validation! This was someone saying I was good enough. So for about five seconds I felt pretty damn good. That's when the other side of my brain kicked in.
"It's just an entrance exam. Any moron that graduated high school can pass it. Your score doesn't mean anything."
"Not only is it JUST an entrance exam, it's a *Texas* entrance exam. That alone lowers the standards by 80%."
And on, and on. This was just the beginning. I haven't taken a class yet that I received less than an "A" in (This semester's math class will certainly change that, however). Each perfect grade that comes back, I laugh at. I assume the professors aren't paying attention, the classes aren't difficult enough, any excuse that undermines my abilities.
I honestly still don't see myself as intelligent. How is it that I have THE worst self-image of anyone I know?
I have been looking for a university to transfer to. I'm checking out schools all over the country. Each time I find one, I think, "There is no way they will ever accept me.", and I move on.
It's becoming sickening. I wish I had some magic button to push that gave me the ability to see the real me. All this fog in my head seems to thicken daily. I have too many decisions, too little time, and not enough confidence.
What a combination. Luckily, I have run out of whine-steam. Also, I am tired. I realize that these entries have become incredibly piteous, but you are just catching my off week. Or something.
I promise that next week I'll crawl back in my shell.
No comments:
Post a Comment