"Happy Valentine's Day!" we shout to the kiddos, tossing heart shaped boxes filled with chocolates and other sugar-laden tidbits into their eager hands.
The morning is filled with chocolate, chocolate, and oh, let's see, what else was there? Yes, yes, that's right -- chocolate! The husband is alternating swigs from his Monster (yep, that's right, I totally put a Monster in his bag 'o goodies!) and tossing whole Ferrero Rocher candies (worst.candy.ever.) into his happy mouth. The littles are busy giggling and trading candy Toy Story figures and chocolate Tinkerbell crisps. The bigs are, of course, snarfling down their own stash, grumbling with a mock-alpha dog growl whenever anyone comes to close. It's a happy day.
Oh, but wait, as if the chocolate-drenched chocolatelyness of the day wasn't enough, the kids then decided to have a pizza making hoedown in the kitchen, so the house now smells of delicious cheese and bread.
Chocolate. Cheese. Bread. The air is saturated with the savory sweetness of the day.
And what am I eating, you may ask? Oh, you know, turkey breast... egg whites... protein powder... the usual.
Honestly. I deserve a freaking purple heart of foodie will power.
Whatever. I'm going to go brew some chocolate tea and pretend it's hot cocoa. Better yet, I may throw it in the face of any of the chocolate-dazed coma-drooling fools in my house.
Happy Valentine's Day, dear reader. Enjoy some chocolate for me. Then send me haiku about how awesome it was. Perhaps I'll send you some chocolate tea, too.
Showing posts with label snarky. Show all posts
Showing posts with label snarky. Show all posts
2.14.2010
1.13.2010
Grievances, aired.
I've been feeling rather snarky lately, one eyebrow popping up as I squint and sneer and generally lament my place in the universe as surrounded by dunderheads. Yes, that is correct, dunderheads.
Not entirely certain who to blame for a) the dunderheads and b) their irritating ability to know my location and find me in the worst possible moments, I'm afraid my only option is to file a list of grievances to the universe in general. It is my sincere hope that this list will serve as a boon that keeps the dunderheads at bay and raises me to the status of Person of Most Awesome Untouchableness. Or something of the like. I'm open to options.
Without further ado, The List:
1. Teenage children, if you have been told to do something, DO IT. Nobody cares how burdened you are with homework, and chores, and ...oh... that's right... you just sit around playing video games, downloading music, and texting anyways. So shut up. Try paying a mortgage, feeding a family of 6, and meeting all your work deadlines. Then we'll talk.
2. On the same note, just because you want something does not ultimately mean it is going to appear magically in your grabby little hands. In some cultures (now, breathe, for this will be painful), children actually have to earn items of desire on their own. I know, I know -- it seems crazy -- working for the things you want... for now, you can keep on about the way you've been for so long. Keep dreaming, bub, maybe you'll wake up with a room filled with your utmost desires.
3. Gym patrons, I acknowledge your newfound New Year's goal to become the best you you've ever been. It's sweet. Really. I know every time I've waited for January 1 to start something new it's always been a smashing success. So I'm glad you're at the gym with me now, sweating on all the equipment, hogging up the treadmills so you and your bestie can plod along and share The Bachelor commentary as you watch, hands firmly grasping the side rails. I also love sharing the limited amount of free weights in the gym with you. I love it so much, that when I see you swinging (literally, swinging, the weights up and down as if the weights are a monkey, and you are just a vine trying to shakeshakeshake itself free) the weights around whilst seated in front of the smith rack, with a myriad of smaller free weights lined up around your feet as tiny worshippers to your towering form, I can't help but grit my teeth and shudder with emotion. I do, however, fear for your safety. Gyms are dangerous places. I hope against all odds that you are not bludgeoned to death with a random weight or strangled to breathlessness with a yoga mat. Boy, what bad luck that would be!
4. And you. Ohhh, you know who you are. Whining, sniveling, complaining, aching, moaning, groaning, dead weight, YOU. Why do you come to the meeting with fresh, new zingers of ideas ready to fire them off as if this is an ordinary occurrence? All the complaints and refusals to complete work melt away when suddenly we are faced with a way for you to strut your peacock feathers and rise through the ranks. It doesn't matter what devastation you leave in your wake, does it? As long as you come out on top. Well, obviously you must deserve it. And, let me tell you, it is my utmost desire that you get exactly what you deserve. Perhaps soon, when workplace finds itself one drone short, you can step up and claim your prize.
Thanks for listening, universe. I don't need an immediate response or correction to these areas, which, quite frankly, I simply see as "improvement opportunities". A week or so should be plenty of time to get things in tip-top order, right?
Whew. I feel better already.
Not entirely certain who to blame for a) the dunderheads and b) their irritating ability to know my location and find me in the worst possible moments, I'm afraid my only option is to file a list of grievances to the universe in general. It is my sincere hope that this list will serve as a boon that keeps the dunderheads at bay and raises me to the status of Person of Most Awesome Untouchableness. Or something of the like. I'm open to options.
Without further ado, The List:
1. Teenage children, if you have been told to do something, DO IT. Nobody cares how burdened you are with homework, and chores, and ...oh... that's right... you just sit around playing video games, downloading music, and texting anyways. So shut up. Try paying a mortgage, feeding a family of 6, and meeting all your work deadlines. Then we'll talk.
2. On the same note, just because you want something does not ultimately mean it is going to appear magically in your grabby little hands. In some cultures (now, breathe, for this will be painful), children actually have to earn items of desire on their own. I know, I know -- it seems crazy -- working for the things you want... for now, you can keep on about the way you've been for so long. Keep dreaming, bub, maybe you'll wake up with a room filled with your utmost desires.
3. Gym patrons, I acknowledge your newfound New Year's goal to become the best you you've ever been. It's sweet. Really. I know every time I've waited for January 1 to start something new it's always been a smashing success. So I'm glad you're at the gym with me now, sweating on all the equipment, hogging up the treadmills so you and your bestie can plod along and share The Bachelor commentary as you watch, hands firmly grasping the side rails. I also love sharing the limited amount of free weights in the gym with you. I love it so much, that when I see you swinging (literally, swinging, the weights up and down as if the weights are a monkey, and you are just a vine trying to shakeshakeshake itself free) the weights around whilst seated in front of the smith rack, with a myriad of smaller free weights lined up around your feet as tiny worshippers to your towering form, I can't help but grit my teeth and shudder with emotion. I do, however, fear for your safety. Gyms are dangerous places. I hope against all odds that you are not bludgeoned to death with a random weight or strangled to breathlessness with a yoga mat. Boy, what bad luck that would be!
4. And you. Ohhh, you know who you are. Whining, sniveling, complaining, aching, moaning, groaning, dead weight, YOU. Why do you come to the meeting with fresh, new zingers of ideas ready to fire them off as if this is an ordinary occurrence? All the complaints and refusals to complete work melt away when suddenly we are faced with a way for you to strut your peacock feathers and rise through the ranks. It doesn't matter what devastation you leave in your wake, does it? As long as you come out on top. Well, obviously you must deserve it. And, let me tell you, it is my utmost desire that you get exactly what you deserve. Perhaps soon, when workplace finds itself one drone short, you can step up and claim your prize.
Thanks for listening, universe. I don't need an immediate response or correction to these areas, which, quite frankly, I simply see as "improvement opportunities". A week or so should be plenty of time to get things in tip-top order, right?
Whew. I feel better already.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)