I know change is supposed to be good. My heart sometimes disagrees with me, but I know it is supposed to be good.
This evening after I finished my shower I turned the hot water up a little bit and sat on the floor of the bathtub, letting the water cascade over my face and body. I closed my eyes and I was transported to a different world, lost in another time just for a little while. Here I could cry or smile and noone would know, here with my eyes shut to what was around me I could make the wishes of a person with regrets... if only, if only, if only...
But the familiar sound of a ringing phone brought me back to the now and I stood to turn off the water, all the while knowing there would be noone I wanted to talk to on the other end of the phone.
I do my best not to be disappointed, knowing it's far too early in the year to let myself be cast down. I recall that in the past few weeks my children's behaviour has changed for the better, they are more loving and studious and I am more proud of them than I could have ever imagined.
Tonight as I lie down to sleep I imagine my stare will meet the ceiling for a long time. There is more going on in my life than I can properly digest, but none of it in the one area I really need.
Perhaps time will bring that, as it has brought me everything else.