My ability to maintain this journal is becoming more difficult. Too much to do, not enough time to even begin with most of it, and all that.
In fact, now that I have a few stolen moments to write here, I find that I don't know quite what to say. School is going well, if you ignore the fact that I have a midterm in two days and haven't even begun to study for it. I've given algebra all my time. Of course, this is good for my grade in that class, but bad for my other grades. However, it's much easier to cram for anything other than math. So hopefully I can still snag a B in government. What excitement.
I have a very dear friend that underwent eye surgery this past Friday. The procedure didn't go well, and due to excessive bleeding, they had to postpone the surgery. Now he's in a lot of pain, and still doesn't have the satisfaction of knowing he is on the path to knowing he is doing better. He's one of my friends I met online, and this situation proves to me yet again how unsettling these relationships can be. I have no way to help him, and this weighs on my heart heavily. I can only sit by and offer support from afar. A thorn in my side that I can't seem to remove. I hate feeling helpless in any situation. I hate that I can't be there to actually DO something for him. Fortunately he has a large family, and they have been paramount in his healing process.
Having a friend that you feel completely unable to help has got to be one of the most undesirable feelings on this earth. I have friends that tell me I need to remember that I cannot be in control of everything. My aunt tells me to remember my circle of influence.
For some reason, I tend to believe the world is my circle of influence. I want to affect the lives of the people I know -- I want to feel certain that I am in control of what is going on around me.
And some things are just not controllable. In my head, I know that. Why can't my heart figure it out?
I can't save everyone. Hell, I can barely save myself. But somehow, I know I'll continue trying.
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