I've been feeling rather snarky lately, one eyebrow popping up as I squint and sneer and generally lament my place in the universe as surrounded by dunderheads. Yes, that is correct, dunderheads.
Not entirely certain who to blame for a) the dunderheads and b) their irritating ability to know my location and find me in the worst possible moments, I'm afraid my only option is to file a list of grievances to the universe in general. It is my sincere hope that this list will serve as a boon that keeps the dunderheads at bay and raises me to the status of Person of Most Awesome Untouchableness. Or something of the like. I'm open to options.
Without further ado, The List:
1. Teenage children, if you have been told to do something, DO IT. Nobody cares how burdened you are with homework, and chores, and ...oh... that's right... you just sit around playing video games, downloading music, and texting anyways. So shut up. Try paying a mortgage, feeding a family of 6, and meeting all your work deadlines. Then we'll talk.
2. On the same note, just because you want something does not ultimately mean it is going to appear magically in your grabby little hands. In some cultures (now, breathe, for this will be painful), children actually have to earn items of desire on their own. I know, I know -- it seems crazy -- working for the things you want... for now, you can keep on about the way you've been for so long. Keep dreaming, bub, maybe you'll wake up with a room filled with your utmost desires.
3. Gym patrons, I acknowledge your newfound New Year's goal to become the best you you've ever been. It's sweet. Really. I know every time I've waited for January 1 to start something new it's always been a smashing success. So I'm glad you're at the gym with me now, sweating on all the equipment, hogging up the treadmills so you and your bestie can plod along and share The Bachelor commentary as you watch, hands firmly grasping the side rails. I also love sharing the limited amount of free weights in the gym with you. I love it so much, that when I see you swinging (literally, swinging, the weights up and down as if the weights are a monkey, and you are just a vine trying to shakeshakeshake itself free) the weights around whilst seated in front of the smith rack, with a myriad of smaller free weights lined up around your feet as tiny worshippers to your towering form, I can't help but grit my teeth and shudder with emotion. I do, however, fear for your safety. Gyms are dangerous places. I hope against all odds that you are not bludgeoned to death with a random weight or strangled to breathlessness with a yoga mat. Boy, what bad luck that would be!
4. And you. Ohhh, you know who you are. Whining, sniveling, complaining, aching, moaning, groaning, dead weight, YOU. Why do you come to the meeting with fresh, new zingers of ideas ready to fire them off as if this is an ordinary occurrence? All the complaints and refusals to complete work melt away when suddenly we are faced with a way for you to strut your peacock feathers and rise through the ranks. It doesn't matter what devastation you leave in your wake, does it? As long as you come out on top. Well, obviously you must deserve it. And, let me tell you, it is my utmost desire that you get exactly what you deserve. Perhaps soon, when workplace finds itself one drone short, you can step up and claim your prize.
Thanks for listening, universe. I don't need an immediate response or correction to these areas, which, quite frankly, I simply see as "improvement opportunities". A week or so should be plenty of time to get things in tip-top order, right?
Whew. I feel better already.