10.20.2003

Sometimes I think that having intense passion is a curse. I mean, yeah -- it's mostly great to have this undying love of something, to know with divine certainty that I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing in life.

But it is another thing altogether to sit inside an office and learn that everything you were hinging your plans on is not going to happen. Well, that's a little extreme. It's not going to happen in my timeframe. Granted, I like things to move with the speed of lightning. It's hard to learn to live on someone elses timeline. Very hard.

Today was a very emotional day, one of the days that makes me wonder what on earth I am doing trying to run a school. One of the days that makes me wish I was safe and secure, back in my classroom, minding my own business and responsible for a handful of children and no more.

It was also a day that made me thankful that I am in a position where I can speak up for the needs of the school. It made me thankful that I was given enough responsibility to never be bored yet not so much that I am constantly sinking under pressure -- even if it feels that way sometimes.

Today I had a discussion with a teacher that told me she comes in every day wondering what will go wrong. I told her that with that attitude she has already lost the battle. Her response was that anyone that comes into work each day and looks happy-go-lucky is faking it.

Well, I wake up each morning (late), frantically get myself presentable, wake my children, drag Child Numero Dos out of bed kicking and screaming (literally) and haul my precious cargo to school. Most of our mornings are tragically loud and angry, thanks to his complete inability to handle life's woes without major emotional outburts.

But (almost) every morning when I go in to work, I am happy to be there. Genuinely happy. Why would I fake a positive attitude? Who would want to bother? And every night when I gather my munchkins to go home, I am completely convinced that the evening will be better than the morning was and that tomorrow will surely be a brighter, better day than today. I know that my children will act better and that I will parent better.

If I didn't, why the heck would I bother trying?

I suppose as much as she can't understand why on earth I am so darn happy, I can't understand why she is so darn pessimistic.

As God continually renews his compassions to us each and every day, don't we owe it to each other -- to our children, to our students, to our loved ones -- to do the same? I don't want to wake up every day with a long history of problems. I want a clean slate.

We all deserve that. Especially the little ones that are in our care, whether they be our own, or someone elses.

So yeah, sometimes I think my passion is my curse ... but mostly? Mostly I'm just thankful I have passion.

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