Tonight the house was filled with friends and warmth and gifts were exchanged and laughter was shared.

I sat on my couch, still working on the peppermint garland and listening intently to what everyone wanted to share ... but I wasn't really there.

My mind had already drifted off, reconstructing the evening as I saw fit, adding a person here, subtracting one there... muting one story while bringing forward another. Mixing memories with reality and wondering exactly how sick I am to be living so far from where I am and feeling so comfortable there.

Now I lie on the same couch, listening to music that does nothing for the endless stream of tears I cry. The lights are finally (thanks to Shannon and Bill) on my Christmas tree, and the last of the garland went up this evening as well. All the lights are out except the lights from the tree and somehow this seems magnificent to me. I'm always embarassed to talk about sadness, but it's not as if no one on this planet experiences sadness but me.

I used to search for unattainable, endless joy. I was told it's not a possibility. I believe that, now. There will always be ups and downs, and that is okay. I've had my fair share of both.

The thing about sadness though, is that in some instances, recalling happy moments only make me sadder, and dwelling in the loneliness of the moment certainly doesn't quell the feeling either. It's all a bit moronic and I hope it passes soon.

Until then I'm going to enjoy the lights on my tree as I drift off to sleep (again).

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