I'm beginning to tire of this confusion. I know what I want, I'm not so sure, I know what is best, I'm totally terrified, I know what should be done, I want to hide under the blankets and let the world run past without me.

I feel like I am waking up out of a haze, like the mists are beginning to clear ... but every once in a while a wisp of darkness reaches out and obscures my vision and I'm back in that world where nothing quite fits together as it should.

We had planned that R would pick up the boys for dinner tonight. Plans never seem simple anymore. He called in the afternoon, asking to use my car (he's not really supposed to use his work truck after hours) for a doctors appointment.

Not just any doctor's appointment, oh no. He went to see a counselor. While I'm glad that he did, I'm also shocked because I never in a million years (and especially not since he told me to get off of my high horse and seek help) thought he would do that.

So I let him use the car and afterwards he calls and is soo excited and feels much better and wants to talk. But I insist he takes the boys out for dinner, and he did, and we talked afterwards.

For a very long time. Very. Long time.

He admitted to a lot of things he never had. He said a lot of things I never thought would come out of his mouth. I remained mostly quiet, interjecting my thoughts and trying to let him know I really am not at a point where I can discuss our reunion.

For the past three days I have been eating and sleeping and cleaning and doing and laughing and singing and dancing and playing with my boys and feeling like I haven't felt in a long, long time. I don't want to lose this feeling.

But by the end of the evening, good and bad things were said and he has it all figured out and has hope and is forming plans and ways to be better -- and all I can think is -- do I want back on this merry-go-round?

It hurts an awful lot to fall off.

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