project.chameleon

So... a lot happened today but I don't have the energy to go through it all in my head again.

Basically, I told Randy I was going to stay with a friend for a while, and he decided to leave instead.

I don't know how to feel. In one way, this is good. I need to clear my head. I need to get healthy. I've been beating myself up because I can't find the strength to deal with the problems... and I need to be able to have the time to just think and ... whatever.

In another way, I feel like ... I don't even know what I feel like. But man, this hurts. It's one of those soul hurts. This is a 10 year chapter in my life. 10 years.

Was it all for nothing? Is it all over now? Can I be alone? Will I end up all alone? So many questions and the answers won't come easy.

I was doing okay until I realized I was going to bed alone. And really, I wanted that, right? I mean... I haven't slept in the same bed with him for a long time now -- and we scream everytime we open our mouths ... and, it's been so ugly, on both sides.

So why do I want to call him and tell him I'm sorry I can't deal with it anymore?